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Last Updated: February, 2006 |
| Q: QUOTES OF THE WEEK Quote #1 Suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ---Mark Twain, American Humorist (1835-1910) Quote #2 "I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?" Dennis Leary I Do..I Do..I Don't!! During the wedding rehersal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony, where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a weak voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back. "She made me a much better offer." Till Death Us Do Part A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering frim a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: "Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. "If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home the husband asked his wife , "What did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die." she replied. NO BRAINERS OF THE WEEK!! We had NO winners to our Brainiac Quiz last week. Here are the answers so you can all kick yourselves and say 'I knew that!!' 1. The correct response is (b), S G. The series are the alphabet forward from A, skipping two letters, and the alphabet backward from Y, skipping two letters. 2. Your question was, "Would the other person tell me that this apple is all right to eat?" If the person is the Truth-teller and the apple is fine, she'll say, "No," because that's what the Liar would say If the person is the Liar and the apple is fine, she'll say, "No," because that's not what the Truth-teller would say. Similarly, if the apple will put you to sleep, the person will have to say "Yes." |
Sad But True Clumsy Crooks & Stupid People!!
A 40-year-old man was arrested Wednesday and charged with stealing a computerized tracking device that uses a global positioning system to keep track of jail prisoners on home detention. "He apparently didn't know what he had because he would be awfully stupid to steal a tracking device," said correctional officer Thomas Roth, who runs the home detention program at the Rock County Jail. The $2,500 device was temporarily placed outside a home by a woman serving home detention. The device, which is a little bigger than a brick in size, has a built-in GPS satellite receiver. Prisoners wear a transmitter about as big as a cigarette pack on the ankle, and it acts as a 100-foot tether to the portable tracking device. By the time the prisoner called to report the theft Monday night, the device had automatically notified the jail that it had been taken outside the prisoner's home area. Roth then tracked the device through the Internet on his home computer. A trail of electronic dots led authorities to an apartment building, where the suspect was captured. (Anyone personally living and sharing the computer with the Editor, is ineligible to enter!! Brain Teaser 1: By using all the digits 1 through 9, it is possible to construct four addition examples with the sum 873. Reversing the top and bottom numbers is not permitted. Each combination must be different. One number in each set has been filled in to give you a head start. xx4 xx9 x5x xxx xxx xxx xxx 6xx ---- ---- ---- ---- 873 873 873 873 Brain Teaser 2: All its vowels have been removed from the following rather cynical statement, and the remaining letters have been broken into groups of three letters each. Reconstruct the sentence. PDS TRN SCM NTW SRT STH QCK NDT HDD To help you all comprehend the refineness of the Australian language and to communicate better with your Aussie mates, we will publish some helpful travel phrases and words. "She's Apples" = It's OK;All right; "Aussie Battler" = An ordinary Australian trying to make ends meet "Aussie Salute" = Flapping away flies from one's face "Away with the fairies/pixies" = Day-dreaming; In another world |
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